Some of us have always been taunted by the nickname “mama’s boy,” whereas some of us only see Mom once or twice a year and that’s more than enough. Some of us take care of Mom, and some of us are still taken care of by Mom. Some of us don’t even know our mothers- whether by choice or not.

Where do you fall?Never mind talking about Mom, some of us have trouble talking to Mom.

It’s these guys that I want to reach out to.

Have you talked to your Mom today?I have noticed that many men have some kind of “hang up” when it comes to their mothers. I mean, I know for myself, sometimes I have trouble understanding my mom and being interested in what she has to say. When she starts talking about old Mr. Jones and his latest hip replacement, I start to tune that stuff out. It sounds harsh, but I couldn’t care less. Then there’s Mom’s little voice on the voice mail. Just “checking in.” Maybe she has a little favor to ask of you. And did you get that promotion yet? Have you told your wife to stop feeding your kids trans-fats yet? After all, she heard all about how bad they are on The Early Show.

Is Mom meddling in our lives? Or is she just being Mom by nature? Guilt compounds with every message she leaves. You avoid her. Then you finally get around to calling her back. Maybe.

Sound familiar?A lot of guys feel anger, disgust, even rage toward their moms. Most of the time, they don’t even know why. Maybe it’s some leftover anger from issues growing up, or just being tired of her nagging, but we’ve all seen that guy who is pulling his hair out over Mom.Then there’s the other end of the spectrum.

You all know my producer, Big Lou. Well, Lou lost his mom when he was just nine years old. A couple of weeks ago on the show he offered us some insight that reminded us that it might be worthwhile to let go of the hang-ups we have with Mom, let go of the negative, and appreciate her for just being who she is: your one and only mom.When one of our callers expressed frustration with being financially indebted to his mother, Lou reminded him to stop blaming her for his guilt, and start being more appreciative of the fact that he has someone to help him out. Any other issues that get deposited into your head the second you deposit that check into your bank account, are your issues. And if you can’t deal with those kinds of dividends, don’t take it out on her- just don’t cash that check.

Whatever your relationship is with your mom, chances are, a little dialogue might help.If you feel it’s appropriate, tell her you appreciate everything she has done for you. Make it clear that even though you don’t always show it, and maybe you don’t always agree with her or feel like talking to her, inside your heart, you love her. And, if you are one of the guys fortunate enough to already have an open and comfortable relationship with your mom, all the more reason to give her a call to let her know how thankful you are for that.Not only will this make her feel good, but it will be freeing for you too.

Life is short. If mom was gone tomorrow, what would you wish you had said to her today? So have you talked to your mom today?

Maybe it’s time to pick up the phone.

So how do you spend yours?

There comes a time in every man’s life when, in the course of your day, you come to an epiphany…You suddenly realize that you’re living someone else’s life… someone else’s agenda. You feel like your day is filled with obligations that someone else assigned to you. Your mental “to-do list” was not written by yourself, but by your boss, your wife, or your parent.

Have you ever felt like that? Well, you don’t have to! You need to find out if you are spending your precious time on obligations or commitments, and what the difference is between the two.So what’s the difference between obligations and commitments anyway?

The difference is your ATTITUDE! You really need to understand WHY you do the things you do every day. Your attitude will change whether you view something as an obligation or a commitment.If you have filled your time with OBLIGATIONS:You choose to live out your precious time in a spirit of proficiency and accountability with a “shut up and do it” attitude. These obligations can be something like paying taxes, or those things you do just because you feel “obligated,” like buying the last round of beers for your friends. You know you’re doing something obligatory when:

- You tend to be short with people
- You may be more aggressive
- You find yourself “keeping score or keeping track”
- You are less concerned with the outcome and just going through the motions

If you have filled your time with COMMITMENTS:You choose to live out your precious time in a spirit of whole hearted “giving,” a pouring out of yourself. With commitment, there is no holding back because you want to give… these can be something like kissing your girlfriend, playing with your kids, or getting the front row at the Christmas parade. You know you are committed when:

- You don’t find yourself “keeping score or keeping track”
- You feel alive!
- You don’t have to “think” or “work” as much
- If you didn’t do it, you would feel that you were wasting your time!

So many of you are struggling with the obligations in your lives. They can really kill your spirit. You can’t seem to understand why you’re so angry, frustrated, void of joy, unable to make a decision, unable to remain peaceful or even enjoy serenity. Obligations are hard work because there is so much accountability. Are you having trouble deciding if you have more obligations or commitments in your life? The difference between the two is the way they align to your goals that you set in your life.

For example, if you never liked kids, and never wanted to be a father, you are probably going to feel obligated to being a dad. You’re also probably obligated to:

- Show up early to and leave late from work
- Pay your taxes
- Abide to the law

But the things you should feel committed to are:

- Your family, your kids, your wife
- Your health
- Your friends
- Your understanding of God

Don’t forget that there is certainly a necessary mix of obligations and commitments in most people’s lives. So Man up! Take a look at your attitude and place more commitments on your daily “to-do” list, as opposed to just obligations. To do that, you have to get to know yourself, who you are, and who you belong to. You need to feel your own strength as a man. It may take some time to reorganize your priorities, but it will all be worth it when you’re checking off that list toward a stronger, more fulfilling, and balanced life!

So many talented men just walk through the motions in life but their field remains barren because they don’t take the time to plant some quality seeds. They purchase the property and even put up a fence, but then just wait in vain expecting something to magically happen, only to end up frustrated with their fruitless efforts.

What are they doing wrong?

They’re not investing. They’re not planting those seeds.

As we have discussed on Rage Radio and in previous blog entries, the first step in a man’s road to personal peace and fulfillment is finding out who he is and what he wants in life. In other words, he has to look at the field of his life and create a vision of what he would like to produce.

Here on Rage Radio, we say it all the time: a man needs a vision, he needs a plan. There is no big secret to being a successful man, whatever that might mean to you. You just need to be honest with yourself and talk. Without this, you are bound to end up with nothing but dead plants – anger and frustration.

Once a man sees the field, he needs to ask himself “How am I going to achieve this vision?” How do we foster the things we want in life? Fulfilling relationships? A happy family life? Financial prosperity? Physical health?

Guys, these things don’t just miraculously appear. Take a good look at your life. What you delivered in the past is what you are reaping today. Is your life filled with turmoil and confusion? Does your job not pay you what you’re worth? Are you experiencing crises with your health, finances, and/or relationships?

These things take work. It’s a simple concept: You reap what you sow.

This has been the secret of my own success. We can infer some basic principles from this:
1. What we reap is in proportion to what we sow:In other words, nothing ventured, nothing gained. You will never reap more than you sow.
2. You will reap in the manner that you sow:Some people call it karma, but the manner in which you sow is very important. If you sow with the intention to steal, someone is going to steal from you. If you wish to deliver under a spirit of deceit, lies, larceny… you will reap that very same manner. What comes around, goes around.
3. You reap precisely WHAT you sow:If you sow money, you will reap money. But in my experience, the more time, talent, heart, and skill you invest, the more satisfying your return will be.

So why don’t more men sow today?
1. We never tried before. We don’t know that we’re supposed to. We feel powerless.
2. We don’t understand or believe the concept of setting the stage for the future.
3. We don’t feel that we have anything to offer.Guys, it’s time to man up! Put yourself out there. Visualize what you want to produce, then plant the seeds. Just try it, and watch what happens. In due time, these seeds of your vision, inner dialogue, and self-examination will sprout a lush field bearing the fruits of your efforts- that is, a peaceful, fulfilling, and successful life.Need some help with this? That’s why we’re here.

I believe that so many men are unhappy with their lives because they don’t know they are strong… being soulfully strong means:

1. Stand strong in your convictions! This means being strong willed, strong in your decision making, strong in setting goals and achieving them, and strong in planning!
2. Do not be afraid to communicate your strength!I know what you’re thinking. Every time you try to stand strong, someone is always there calling you stubborn, opinionated, and hard headed.

Well, the secret to avoiding this is as simple as one three-letter word:“WHY?”You need to effectively communicate the “why” behind your convictions. This will make people understand your point of view and the code you live by. But, if you dig your heels in without explaining WHY, you will be perceived as hard headed.

So, the next time someone calls you stubborn because you won’t give in, back up your reasoning by explaining WHY.As for physical strength: When you are young, it is your responsibility to learn your own physical strength and test it. You have to work out – get yourself in peak physical condition and continually work the limits of your strength. The older we get, we have to rely less on the physical strength and focus more on the soulful strength. We realize and accept certain things that we were “born into” – our DNA, genes, family… we learn to work our own personal strengths to compensate for things we cannot change and when we are finally mature men, we can hopefully recognize and learn to avoid our own weaknesses…So what compromises both your physical and your soulful strength?

-Drugs
-Too much alcohol
-Worrying too much about what others think
-Past baggage
-Worrying that you are “too” something, such as too skinny, too young, too ugly, too short, too much like your father, etc.

It is when we don’t know our own character or what we stand for that we become miserable, and everyone around us suffers because of it. Do you know who you are? Let me get you started by telling you what you are NOT:You are NOT:

-Your job
-Your family
-Your country club membership
-Your religion
-Your sports team

So, guys, if all this “stuff” was taken away, could you handle it? These things do not make your character. Your strength makes you who you are and defines who you are becoming. Let me share my formula with you for figuring out who you are as a man:

1. Solitude: It begins with solitude.The only way to find out who you truly are is to spend some quality time in solitude (yes, ALONE) and that concept completely terrifies most men. Most of us spend all our time at work and with family, we barely have any time for ourselves. So take some time for yourself every day, every week, every month, every year – to truly get to know yourself.
2. The Likes & Dislikes List:Get a pad of paper and draw a line down the middle. Write the word “likes” on the left and “dislikes” down on the right. Then, spend about 20 minutes filling it in with whatever comes to mind… (for example, I like dogs, dislike cats, etc.). An important part of getting to know yourself is taking a look at what you like & what you don’t like, and noticing patterns within these preferences.
3. Play the game of “Take Away”:In your mind, take away all the material things that make you: your job, your car, your home, etc. Who are you after all that? Do you still like yourself? If not, on a second piece of paper write down some things you would need to change to begin to like the you without all that stuff.

So if you like working out at the gym to build and maintain your physical strength, keep it up…but don’t forget to work your soulful strength too, because in the end, it’s all you’ve got… Your soulful strength is who you are, and perhaps more importantly, who you were. Man up! Til next week!

Football has all the makings of a good war:
-Fight for territory
-Calculated gains/losses
-Injuries on the battlefield
-Winners and losers
-Bragging rights

We draw a lot of excitement and passion from these things. But unfortunately, we don’t tend to carry the same kind of passion in our personal lives, with things like:
-Career
-Girlfriend/spouse
-Family life
-Success

Instead, so many men are disenchanted with their personal lives and angry about their place in the world. When the “big game” is long over, after the screaming and cheering on the couch, it’s back to real life again – nothing more than leftover chicken wing bones and spilled beer on the carpet.

Most of us don’t have jobs that will bring us fame, fortune, or a Super Bowl ring. So how does that make us feel?Maybe if we could take that spirit of the game, and use it to put some of that fire back into our own life’s goals, we could find passion in our lives again. It’s time to analyze your game.

Let’s evaluate your strengths and weaknesses. Your career: Are you happy? Are you reaching your potential? Your family: Are they feeling your passion and excitement? Your partner: Do they feel appreciated by you?Once you’ve done that, it’s time for kickoff.So what’s in your playbook? You know those goals we always ask you to set for yourself here at Rage Radio? They’re all live balls in the field of play. Now it’s up to you to gain some forward momentum and push that ball down the field.You can’t do it alone. Your friends and colleagues? They’re your team. Your family? They’re your biggest fans. Your mentors? They’re your coaches. And combined, they’re even more important to this game than you: the QB. So speed up your offense and strengthen that defense. Remember that only you can control your clock- no one else. You are always a free agent. Despite what it may seem sometimes, no one owns you but you.In the game of life, there are no limits to the number of downs. You have to have the strength to recover that ball and put it back into play as often as you like. Unfortunately, there are also no referees in life. But there will always be interferences. There will always be rivals, unnecessary roughness, blitzes, and your opponent staring you in the face, trying to intercept your goals and sack your ambition. These are all inevitable challenges of life.But when you have your team, your fans, your coaches… you have the home field advantage. When you come to the realization that the passionate fight belongs in your own life just as much as it does with your fantasy football draft, then you’ll find yourself really scoring those touch downs. So what do you think?Maybe by next year’s Super Bowl, the victory you celebrate won’t be just the NFL Champion’s, but yours as well.

The New Year is a perfect opportunity to reconcile your anger. I work through my own anger every day! How? By taking a step back and examining what’s going on in my life. So, take a look at 2006. How was it for you?

Guys, if you don’t take some time to reflect on any issues that get you riled up, they will continue to resurface, and you will find yourself in a downward spiral. By living an unexamined life, you are more prone to bouts of depression, fear, anger, resentment, bitterness, and a predisposition to drugs and alcohol. (Yes, it’s okay to enjoy a drink now and then – here at Rage Radio we don’t oppose moderate alcohol consumption – but dependence is an entirely different issue altogether.)

We have to man up! We have to be strong. Our wives, girlfriends, and/or children look up to us to be leaders. They want to take comfort in our leadership, and if they can’t, they suffer from our stress too. Our responsibilities to them are the responsibilities that come with being a man. Being strong doesn’t mean you should ignore any potentially damaging issues going on in your life. You can’t meet your responsibilities by just waking up in the morning, putting on your pants, haphazardly walking out the door, and turning your back on the people and issues that need your attention. By doing this you are leaving it all up in the air, and setting things up to fall apart.

If something is dragging you down or making you pissed off, don’t let it brew. You have to sit down and address these things, with yourself or with other men. That’s why we’re here! Join Remember, Rage Radio is for men and men only! No balls, no calls!

Christmases of the past can taint a man’s perspective on the holidays. We all have war stories from the childhood holidays:

-Fathers that were not present
-Family arguments
-Gifts you didn’t get
-Promises people didn’t keep

o you feel like you are acting or faking your way through the season? Do the tensions of Christmas bring you down? Do you find yourself withdrawing or disappointing your family? If so, what should you do?

My advice: get rid of the Grinch and drink the eggnog! Let me explain…It’s hard to move on from the past and into the future. Bad memories definitely play with our sub-conscious minds. I have bad holiday memories of my own, and it can be pretty tough to let them go. But here’s the thing: Christmas 2006 is no longer about you.

Listen guys, we are all selfish SOBs and sometimes this time of year some of us gravitate toward playing this role of “victim.” We play this up and get hung up on all our bad Christmas memories. The thing is, this just doesn’t fit us as MEN.

Remember? As men, we are strong, and our families, kids, wives, girlfriends, step kids, foster kids, etc. all need us for our STRENGTH and NOT for our painful memories.

Be there for THEM.We can’t figure out all the psycho BS of our behavior, so we have to make a decision about how we are going to MOVE ON with our lives. We have to stop holding our women and our families as hostages. Don’t spoil it for them! Stop being a Grinch and let it all go! Be the guy that leads the family during Christmas! Drink the eggnog! And don’t stop there! I’m talking…

-Wear the Santa costume
-Eat candy canes
-Sing Christmas carols
-Attend church
-Watch parades
-Decorate the tree
-Wrap gifts
-Be the first one up Christmas morning

In fact, don’t just drink the eggnog… guzzle it! I think the single most important thing I did to make the most of Christmas was to be more aware of my surroundings, and more thankful that I have a family. Now it is my turn to create a positive Christmas for my family, regardless of my past hang ups!I’m telling you… the difference between a bad Christmas and a good Christmas for your entire family is YOUR ATTITUDE. Crap happens in life! So what!? Remember that life is for the living and you have got to be the man that adds to Christmas, not the guy that takes it away. Man up! Get rid of the Grinch, drink that eggnog, and enjoy!

As men, we are accountable to each other for one very important reason- wisdom.

Wisdom is best defined as “the sum of learning through the ages.”It’s essential for us as men to be able to learn from each others experiences. I like to think of it as starting at the end of a problem, and working through it via someone elses experience. That is how you heal from emotional scars, and most importantly, prevent bad things from happening in your life: outbursts of anger, rage, frustration, discouragement, and tension in your relationships.

This world puts a lot of pressure on us men. We start to feel trapped and misunderstood by everyone. We get frustrated by our wives/girlfriends and anyone else who has expectations of us. We feel uncertain about our future, career, money… it makes us angry.

You need to stop making excuses for your life. You need to get this crap off your chest, whatever it is. Otherwise, it’s going to lease space in your head and own you. It will absorb all of your strength. You can’t blame anyone else for this but yourself.

As men, we have a responsibility to each other to offer insight, experiences, and life lessons. If you sense another guy might have something eating him up inside, why not offer a listening ear? And if you are that guy dealing with rage, why not look to other men for help? Someone you look up to. A family member. A friend. A father figure. You just might be surprised at the support you’ll get.

by Martin Brossman

Why are men meeting in groups? Haven’t men gathering together caused many of the world’s problems? Shouldn’t men be working to insure the equality and unity of the sexes, not separation? Many men are solitary creatures and don’t seem to need much of anything, what’s the point of a group for men? Don’t the TV ball games, golf game, or poker game serve the same purpose? If a man has a healthy relationship with God, why would he need a men’s group?

Sadly, it is true that often throughout history when men have gathered together it has resulted in bad news. Historically, men have always gathered to deal with problems. The crop was blighted, the villagers were mutinous, or a battle was coming. Men wielded “the power”; therefore they met to use it. This societal control perspective, however, ignores the benevolent use of rituals, i.e. the gathering, in the maturation of normal, healthy, adult, males. Modern society has forgotten these rites of passage. To a large extent, Western adult males are left to raise themselves, with varying results. One only has to read the divorce rate and crime statistics to become aware that something is missing. I was always very suspicious of “men’s groups”. I thought I had evolved beyond a need for sharing with others. About 9 years ago, while driving, I was listening to the audio book of “Iron John” by Robert Bly, about issues of men maturing. I suddenly found tears running down my face but at that time had no idea why. Iron John is about men’s rites of passage. Bly outlines an idea about men gathering together to support each other.

With much apprehension, I began exploring this thing called “men’s work”. “Men’s work” is men getting together to explore questions and share experiences to address issues that are deeply important to them. Men’s issues may include: their relationships; developing meaningful male friendships, being a father; dealing with anger and/or emotional pain; spirituality and meaningful rituals.

I worked through my nervousness and suspicion by interviewing men who had been involved with men’s work. I asked these men what their partners thought when they first become involved in a men’s group. Some of the women were suspicious at first and did not see the real benefit. However, the greatest resistance seemed to come from other men. They made jokes about men “coming out of the closet,” or said they had “gone to something like that once” and did not need it now. I also interviewed men who had been involved with men’s work for over a year or more. I wanted to find out what their partners thought of their involvement now. I was amazed how positive the responses were. Comments ranged from, “She says she likes the man I am becoming” to “she insists I go.” After being involved in a men’s group myself for a while, I saw the benefits first hand and was puzzled why there is not more men involved in such groups. I would like to share a few observations of fears, concerns, and false beliefs that may have stop men from reaping the benefits of men’s groups.

FEARS, CONCERNS, AND FALSE BELIEFS ABOUT MEN’S GROUPS:

Myth #1: It is the man’s role to be protector and provider We are still highly influenced by the antiquated social role of men as protectors and providers, who are self-sufficient creatures and have all the answers. Our society has implied that self-sufficiency means handling everything in isolation. A healthier attitude would be that self-sufficiency is the wisdom to seek out and utilize support and resources in one’s own environment. As Warren Farrell noted in his book, Women Can’t Hear What Men Don’t Say, men in our culture are often viewed as “success” objects. This viewpoint is as de-humanizing as viewing women as “sex” objects. Many times the success object bias does not even break down when both partners bring in equal salaries, especially in a family with children. Men may find it difficult to develop a rich emotional life while focusing on being successful. In this respect men are not being treated equally either.

Myth #2: Men’s Groups Equal Oppression of Women

Men and women may both be suspicious of men’s groups. Many feel that men’s work is misogynistic by its very nature. They feel it exists to support men who hate women. Nothing could be further from the truth. Men’s work supports men and women living in harmony. It tends to create more balanced and grounded men who can truly honor women as equals.

Myth #3: Silence Means Strength

Many men have developed the habit of emotionally isolating themselves, especially from other men. A man may develop only superficial or competitive relationships with other men, revolving solely around business or sports. Men’s work helps break through this two-dimensional socializing. Conversations involving more personal topics become easier with practice and support.

Myth #4: If you are in a relationship there’s no benefit in being in a men’s group

Some men don’t notice the missing male relationship because they have become overly dependent on the women in their lives. As a consequence, they are not able to take the risk of being emotionally available to their partner. For these men, this over dependency is often unconscious but may show up as jealously, over controlling, or resentment of her having friends. Men’s work provides a support structure for these men to safely discover and change this dependency. By developing healthy relationships with other men there is less at stake in their relationship, so they can become more emotionally available to their partners.

Myth #5: Men’s groups are made up of mostly gay men

Homophobia may keep heterosexual men away from men’s groups, while a gay man may stay away for fear of persecution. Being gay is not an illness or contagious, and not all heterosexual men are threatened by gay men. Men’s groups are a place to learn to distinguish between sexuality and intimacy for both heterosexual and gay men. Hashing out sexuality issues is central to living as a healthy adult male.

Myth #6th: Only the weak need Support

Some men think men’s groups are only for men with problems or unsuccessful men. They tend to value success only in relationship to business. A man, who can smoothly move through his feelings, instead of suppressing them or being driven by them, is a strong and powerful man.

Myth #7: All I Need is God

Jesus had a 12-man support team. A possible doorway to an enhanced relationship with God may come through relationships with each other. A man who allows other men to contribute to him gives them the opportunity to experience one of the greatest gifts, the gift of receiving.

Myth #8: Men’s group would take more time away from my family

If you are a father working 40 hours a week or more, you may not have a lot of free time. What harried fathers do not realize is they may truly benefit from an extra-family structure that supports them as men. They become more emotionally available for their partners and children. The Benefit of Men’s Work

Why is it important that men’s work expand its scope? First, men who are more conscious and able to fully experience their emotions tend to live a longer life. Second, men who have healthy relationships and feel connected to other people tend to be life supporting, compassionate, and less violent. Another reason for men’s work is it helps develop more stable and mature male role models. Young boys need healthy models to learn how to be a man. What rites of passage are clearly delineated for them? One can easily see that gangs are just a desperate attempt by young men to initiate themselves into manhood and to connect as a family.

I believe men’s work can reduce violence in our society. I grew up in Washington, DC, in the sixties and seventies and attended both public and private schools. From this vantage point I see that violence often comes from emotional isolation. This isolation creates resentment and anger, which can lead to violence toward self and others. Maybe men need a special type of emotional connection or food from other men. Perhaps men’s work offers this needed food that allows us to be more whole and balanced in our lives.

Another aspect of Men’s work involves inquiry, where men deeply and honestly explore questions together. Exploring questions like, what works in keeping a long term committed relationship passionate and alive? Or, what have you found to be the best way to build grounded self-confidence? It is an amazing experience when men get together and explore important questions openly and honestly. How do we rekindle a “best male friend” and keep the friendship going in our busy lives? How do we handle disappointment, shame, sadness, and anger? Inquiry can enable us to reconnect to both the awareness and the subsistence that fulfills it. Inquiry has a clear purpose, goal, and end point, which is intrinsically often appealing to men because it is focused.

Please explore the following questions for men.

Q: Do you have close male friends, who you can truly confide in about your joys, passions, fears, and desires?

Q: Do you turn to men, women, or isolate yourself from more emotional pain during a crisis?

Q: Could you see how meaningful relationships with other men would support you to be more emotionally available to your partner, children, and yourself?

Imagine how you could create time for something that cost only a few hours a month in time; something that would profoundly improve the quality and depth of your relationships; and something that would enlighten you and your loved ones. It does take some time, commitment, and courage to get involved with a men’s group to reap the real benefits. Yet, this is true for anything worth having in life.

My personal vision is that by men nurturing and emotionally supporting each other we will have stronger men available to stand up to the challenges of creating a more peaceful world. Men’s groups fully support men to allow us to experience the unique gifts we are.

By Martin Brossman, a personal coach and founder of The Triangle Men’s Inquiry Meeting. For more information about The Triangle Men’s Inquiry Meeting go to their web site at: http://www.toinquire.com or e-mail: to-inquire@mindspring.com, or call Martin at 919.847.4757

© 2001 Martin Brossman